Amelia,
I love you. And I am sorry that you are upset with me.
I hear that you are hurt, mad and not getting what you need. I really do want to understand what you need and have our relationship get better. For a while, I haven’t really known how much of what is going on is because of me and how much is because of you. It isn’t unusual for mothers and daughters to go through rough patches. But we’ve been having this issue for a while. I often feel that we talk at cross purposes. I will admit that it is often frustrating for me too.
Mothers, if you don’t remember, love their babies to the moon and back. We always will. But babies, children, teens and young adults face many stages in life, personal challenges, issues and decisions that they need to figure out, need to struggle with and even solve without their mothers involved, however loving. I do want to be the mother that you can look to as a safe harbor for love, good advice and support. I hear that you don’t consider me to be that mother and that saddens me, because I have tried hard.
But, I am once again a working mother. There are many mothers who have nothing better to do with their lives than dote on their children. I am working and busy and I know that you resent that. I am sorry that my work doesn’t seem important to you. I held off going back for a really long time to be there for you girls. Now I really need to be back working. But, when you are ready to start talking with me, I am sure that we can have the time we need, even though I am working. I am confident of that. The piece that is holding us back, is that you choose to never get intimate and reveal what’s actually going on with you.
So, I am really glad that you want to work on this with me. I’m impressed that you went so far as to locate a therapist for us to meeting with. We’ve now been working with Bruce—Dr. Linenberg—since early July. That four months we missed some time because of our trip to Amsterdam, so more like three months. We’ve had about 12 sessions and I think we have a pretty good idea of how that is going. You may feel differently, but I’m not sure we’re penetrating to the underlying issues.
That’s why I’d like to propose that we try another approach. I called it an “epistolary” approach but that’s just a reference to my former life as a student of literature (and lover of epistolary novels). I also prefer to be able to think before I say something and writing is really the best mechanism for thoughtful speech. If I am going to say something that I later regret, it is almost never something that I written first but it can often be what I blurt out because I get angry.
As a person making your living with writing, among other things, I hope you’ll join me in this process. We can consider it experimental but I feel more confident being able to address the issues that we have if we can identify them and describe them one by one and not have the conversation be a roving parade of blame.
I guess if you really feel strongly about continuing the process with Dr. Linenberg, I am willing to rejoin that process after Thanksgiving (as previously agreed). But, to be honest, he’s plenty nice but he’s not a risk-raker or someone whose perceptive probing really helps you get to the core. He’s uber cautious, apologetic and likes to not upset anything. He’s not forced this issue out in the open at all. I’m not feeling a very good connection with him or confident that he will be that effective.
What do you think about using a private blog page on your website to talk to each other? You and I both like nice graphical aesthetics, so I did a little updating and found a format that could work. I hope you’ll give this a try with me.
I love you and would like to hear your thoughts. In writing.
Mom